I wish my life wasn’t so hard. I am done being alone. I am tired of pain. I want better. I want different. I want love, and community, and deep friendships, and growth through love and pleasure and joy and belonging. I want easier lessons, gentler lessons. I want ease and grace. I want to align with my highest timeline where I am happy and fulfilled.

And I feel stuck in being able to make that change.

I don’t know how to get from here to there.

I see the timeline farthest out, and I even feel like it’s inevitable, but I don’t feel the one in between - where my feelings and beliefs shift from hopelessness, pain, and sadness/grief to hope and happiness and creative energy to power my dreams and desires. Because I see the timeline farthest out, I know I’m going to get through this. I also know I’m meant to teach from my experience to help others, and to create structures and methodologies for healing, transformation, and alignment… incorporating the science of spirituality, embodiment approaches, and somatic reprogramming and safety.

Of course I know that this comes from trauma, and specifically from developmental and relational trauma.

This is where I started from: without safety. Without a safety net of family or romantic partner or other person who feels like home. And if I need to embody that which I desire internally before it shows up in my outside world, that means I need to find that home within myself first. How do I create what I desire without a baseline experience for what that feels like, without a template for that already existing within?

I’ve done the work - the things I teach others - and it all has definitely helped - naming and changing patterns, feeling and experiencing and being present with emotions, reprogramming subconscious core wounds and limiting beliefs, somatic processing of emotions and sensations, exposure work - taking courageous actions in the direction of what I desire, opening my heart to receiving love in a way that feels safe in my body, internal love and acceptance work, energy healing practices, vibrational healing through sound and my own voice by chanting the bija mantras to clear the chakras, practicing Dr Joe Dispenza’s meditations (potentials, feeling states), and plant medicine. It’s not for lack of trying. I have approached this through a combination of discipline and allowing, great courage, focus/attention, and intention.

But something is missing… believing deep down that significant change is possible. Opening back up to hope. Opening to hope is risky if we have a lifetime of betrayal and disappointment. Not having hope is painful. But opening to hope and being crushed over and over again is unbearably painful. Either way feels trapping and impossible to get out of, but one feels less painful.

Here’s the thing about radical responsibility - I still have to figure out a way to get out (or go deeper within), if this is not what I want. And the hard part is making the shift before the actual proof shows up in my internal emotional landscape and outer reflection/life. Before tangible physical proof or evidence exists.

Hope without validation feels untrue, insincere, like positive thinking with avoidance and denial or spiritual bypassing. It feels dishonest. But ultimately it is a choice. How do I want to feel for the rest of my life? It may not have been true in the past, but that doesn’t mean I can’t decide for it to be true for me now and just try. And trying in a sustained way, for the long term, without any external proof brings up the old emotions - emotional flashbacks - of disappointment and discouragement, and feeling like things won’t get better.

That is not an aligned message to the Universe, but it IS human.

So how do those of us without a baseline, a safety net, or an internal template start from the opposite of what we want and get to what we desire? Right now my advice to myself and others is this: Just keep going. My current approach is based on attuning to and embodying frequencies and timelines. And I will let you know what I find along the way.

Can you relate? What did this bring up for you?

Warmly,

Jennifer

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I come from a background that is opposite what I am here in service of - love, joy, healing, where I often did not have an internal template for the life I did want to live and create for myself. That gives me a profound, nuanced, and deep understanding of how to help people facilitate change in their own lives - because I had to learn and embody it for myself before I could teach others. I am trauma-informed - first through my own experience of healing from CPTSD and narcissistic abuse and toxic shame - and through expertise in narcissistic relationships and healing, as well as healing from learned insecure attachment styles. I’ve worked on changing my own attachment style from Fearful Avoidant leaning Dismissive Avoidant to a more earned secure framework.

Maybe you have already been in therapy, have been doing the work, trying different approaches, but feeling like you’re still longing for deeper transformation beyond surface-level change. I work with people who are ready to dive deep, and I provide a container of presence that is compassionate, intuitive, experienced, and safe enough to access and bring light to the more tender bits that need love and acceptance.

My interests are in spirituality, personal growth, how to embody change and transformation, relational healing, and in how to create a life of purpose, alignment, fulfillment, love and joy. My writings on Substack will likely represent those themes for the purpose of sharing what I have learned and experienced in service of the greater good. The pain and suffering of what I personally experienced has more meaning and purpose if it becomes in service of helping others as well.

Until next time,

Jennifer

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IG: @jenniferljonescoaching